Category: Life in Arizona

Over 1,000

MichelleR

1,095 to be exact. We’ve lived in Arizona now for over a thousand days and most of them great. Today marks the three year anniversary of loading up a Penske truck and driving our lives into the desert. Here are some of my favorite things about living here:

  • The people I have met. I am so grateful for the friendships so quickly cultivated here. They are already deeply rooted and treasured, like they were just waiting for me to arrive.
  • The cactus. I can name more kinds now than I ever knew existed and they are each indescribably beautiful in their own ways.
  • Sedona. It is my happy place, the place my spirit longs for, the minute I see those red rocks I feel my heart settle into a complimentary rhythm.
  • My dog Mango that I was finally able to get when we moved.
  • Tempe Town Lake and the plethera of things to do there.
  • The Phoenix Zoo and Papago Park.
  • World Wildlife Park and having dinner at Dillon’s with sharks.
  • The Herberger Theatre, for a multitude of reasons.
  • Driving to Ahwatukee to have Nikki do my hair.
  • P83 with the Ball Park and restaurants for days.
  • The proximity with which we are now available to both sets of parents and our aunt.
  • Having friends and family visit and exploring together.
  • Downtown Scottsdale.
  • The White Tanks and it’s trails.
  • The view of South Mountain on a clear day.
  • The view of the sun setting almost any day of the year.
  • Luke Air Force Base and the fighter jets that fly over regularly.
  • Our booth at the Brass Armadillo.
  • Creating a space for me to work on my spiritual journey complete with rattle, drum and sage.

While moving here was completely the right thing to do there are some things I miss still:

  • The smell of the theatre as I walk in the back door.
  • Seeing Jennifer every morning and sharing every detail of our lives together.
  • Messing with Colton and wondering where our bucket is and why he won’t try harder.
  • Hearing Jesse and Caleb’s laugh from the audience.
  • Mike Mechanick’s smile.
  • Yelling Tony’s name at the top of my lungs, for no reason at all.
  • Being able to see Laurie for our lunches and dinners.
  • Drunk Sundays with the worlds best neighbors.
  • Family dinners at Tom and Lori’s.
  • An only two and half hour drive to see Alex and Cory.
  • Driving to San Francisco just to have dinner and come back.
  • Being able to go to Napa, Sonoma and Calistoga for a day or a whole weekend to restock the wine frig.
  • New Year’s Eve parties and cast parties and birthday parties and every kind of party.
  • Writing or directing a show and seeing it come to life.
  • All my theatre kids.
  • Our volunteers who were more like family.
  • Being a short drive from everyplace I’ve gone to school or lived.
  • Knowing my favorite grocery stores and their layouts.

Now all this is not to say that I have traded one thing for the other. I don’t feel that way at all. I feel that there are times when our lives are outwardly, visibly in motion. Where we are seen and our impact is felt by many on a large scale. And then as the Wheel of Life portends, there are times when we retreat into a dormant, restorative phase. A phase of healing, incubation and ripening. I am blissfully a part of the later, but only for a time. I feel my phoenix rising and rebirth already begun. The desert is a beautiful place to be transformed.

The Heart of My Matter

MichelleR

March marks three years that we have lived in Arizona. I started this blog soon after moving here. My aspiration was, at least initially, that it would be about all the adventures that Frank and I would have here. And we have had a few, but the reality is that most of our days are spent working, our weekends caring for home and helping family, and the adventures are more like outings where we zen out and don’t feel like taking pictures and transcribing every moment. And I am so okay with that.

Last year, Pandemic Year One, I wanted to write more, to share stories and the creative side of me, but I honestly felt guilty for writing about what was happening in my imagination when the world was in a health crisis unlike anything before in my lifetime, and people I am friends with were experiencing the death of people they love. It just didn’t feel right.

I even thought about letting my “subscription” for this blog name expire and not renew it, to just let it vaporize because: a) I have very few followers/readers and b) I don’t think, or rather didn’t think, that whatever I wrote meant anything or made any difference whatsoever. That may all still be true. But, the intuition that I am getting very attuned to listening to nowadays, told me, “No, don’t let it go. Just wait.” So, as I am trying to do, I followed that lead.

My previous blogs have alluded to what I have called a spiritual journey that I feel I have been on the past several years. But I have been modest with my words, timid in my tone and fearful of full expression. Nagging, yelling, and now finally, hollering at me, is my same intuition saying that this platform is useless unless I am open and honest and brave. So, here I am, ready to boldly admit that that this journey is more of a transformation, a revelation of my self, an awakening of consciousness that has rocked me to my core.

I realize that my words do matter: written and spoken, they are energy and create a vibrational frequency that continues to expand and impact whatever it comes into contact with. Just like the energy your words carry. So if I sit on this blog and say, “Gosh I’m really going through something and I think I am getting stronger,” it’s energy is weak because it is only a partial truth and not the full expression of my what I feel and experience in my being.

And here’s where I will start loosing friends, readers, and followers as I need to shake off and clean out those who peep and peer and judge. You may stay here to read and observe but I do not write for you. I can only hope that the energy of my words turns your judgement to support if you decide to ride this ride. There are people who knew me as a child, young adult, young mother and never knew the battles behind my smiling face. You knew me in high school and theatre and because I was boisterous and quirky you might have mistaken that for confidence. You knew me in a church group or youth setting and because I have a deep faith you think you know how I should act, believe or behave. But today I say that the Michelle you knew, or projected onto me, is only a part of me. It was only one layer of my being and that is okay. But who I am is growing and becoming and rapidly evolving every moment and I can no longer write a blog about trying on contour unless I also feel safe enough to tell you the full story.

Click out now. Unsubscribe, unfriend, block, eye roll emoji your heart out, I literally am at peace with that. Fin-al-ly! And it feels so good. (Only took me about 50 years to get to the beginning.) And if you ever really loved me, the me you knew, or thought you knew, if our souls shared an energetic connection, then I know you will be right here with me continuing that. I already know who some of you will be. And I love you for loving me so much and supporting me.

It’s about to get all woo-woo up in this blog my friends. I don’t know another word for it. But the thoughts and experiences I am going through I do not believe are solitary. I believe, and know, others who are having this same pulling to understand and connect with the core of our consciousness, what I call the soul. The power of the human mind has been consuming my thoughts and I am mesmerized with studying the facet of neuroscience that explores our subconscious power. I believe that our faith in that power can transform and heal, help and change us because I am experiencing it! To this end I am studying and reading everything I can. Because I also have a vision and a belief that part of being called here to Arizona is just the beginning stages.

So don’t be surprised when you pull up my blog and see titles like, “How Yoga changed my Mind about my Body” or “My Shamanic Journey” or “Quantum Physics and the Astral Plane”. Hopefully, one day soon, I’ll even be able to host retreats in Sedona for those of us who don’t mind being a little woo-woo now and then.

You are enough

MichelleR

I came into work one day to find those words written on a note, stuck by a friend to my computer stand. I had heard that phrase and seen it written in gorgeous fonts in Pinterest memes numerous times, but it quietly became my meditation. The catalyst that allowed it to root in my heart came from a deep knowing that she believed this, and in doing so, gave me permission to believe it too. I still catch myself wrestling with its truth as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or when a beautiful woman enters the same room.  But I doubt it less and less. Because another woman believed it about me first.

I don’t recall when I started ranking myself, it is not a thing I am proud of, but I used to do it a lot. I would compare myself to other women. It wasn’t about judging that particular women but rather feeling myself diminish because I believed she was more than me. Comparison seeps like a tea bag left in the cup, becoming stronger as it sits. And, while I believe that all humans have beauty, I depreciated my own.  I can play a great game of confidence, but inside my tender heart would think, “I wish I was ‘inset adjective of choice’ like her”.  This eventually led me to shying away from many female relationships to avoid those uncomfortable feelings in me. It also led to hundreds, if not thousands, of missed opportunities over the years to tell other women how incredible I thought they were. A tragedy.

Please don’t misunderstand. I do not hate myself.  I do not hate other women. I have had wonderful female friendships that have lasted decades. I had an incredible childhood with awesome friends.  But, I guess I can call it my Achilles heel, comparison to other females robbed me of joy, the joy of believing that I am enough. The joy of telling other women that I believe they are enough.

The journey to even write this entry has been a long one. It’s taken me a while to even fully understand what I was going through. But when I started using the phrase, “I am enough” as a meditation it allowed me to compare my life with my desires instead of my life to others. I started asking the question, “If I am enough, then why I treating my body so badly? If I am enough, why I am eating outside of hunger? If I am enough why aren’t I looking for ways to love and care for myself? It keeps going, but you get the picture.

I recently met a huge weight loss goal for myself that I didn’t think was possible at my age, or with my past track record with “diets”. I truly believe it was because I was ready. I wasn’t trying to loose weight for summer, knowing I would go back to eating like I always had, but because I was ready to believe that I was enough and worth the work needed to prove it. I was ready to become healthier. I was ready to work on multiple areas of my life to increase my life experience and joy. I was ready to be enough for myself.

The health aspect of my journey is a part of the full spiritual and personal transformation that I have been working through for a few years now. Here is the Cliffnotes version (because someday I’ll put that full story in a novel and try to actually make a living doing this writing thing):

  • About five years ago I had the realization that I was unhappy and angry despite a “good life”
  • I was given the gift of a healer in my life who started me on a path to find myself
  • I became open to hearing and then listening to my inner voice
  • I stepped out of my “safe place” and, with my partner beside me, completely changed course
  • I made a conscious effort to view all women in my life as gifts, treasures, and purposely placed
  • I sought to become happy from the inside out – instead of the self-deprecating humor I used as a shield
  • I realized my next and hardest work was to love myself so much that I would care about the one body I’ve been given in this life and to start treating it that way.

And this is where I am now. On an amazing journey to “optimal health and wellness”. I am in a place mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally that I didn’t not know I would ever find. Hell, I didn’t even know I was looking for it. But here I am and I believe I am enough. No, not just believe it, but I know it. And it feels amazing!

I feel stronger and mentally sharper. I feel joyful despite the world circumstances. I know it sounds sappy but I look back down that hill into that valley and I see how dark and sad and lost I was and all I want to do is yell, “Hey you down there! Do not give up! It’s worth the uphill climb!” And I want to tell everybody who’ll listen. And, if you are reading this and you need encouragement or a partner in the journey to wellness please reach out! We are stronger together and I will walk with you!

I also recognize that throughout my personal journey I would see people posting on social media about their weight loss and how much better they felt and I would want to reach right out and punch them in the middle of their stupid smiling faces. And I would grab my beer and 26th pizza roll, dip it in a ton of ranch, and swipe. But I also know that somewhere I believed it wasn’t possible for me. I believed health was never in my future and it made me sad. But, I think, I just hadn’t started believing I was enough.  I am going to tell you, you are. You are enough! YOU-ARE-ENOUGH!

I want to share some notes from my journal, which is very personal. I hope it resonates with those who need it. I hope it inspires those who need it. I hope the universe returns it to me used so I know that it, like everything, served a purpose in the journey.

4/3/2018 – Yesterday was my first day officially at “C…” and I feel embraced, welcomed, and needed into the tribe. These women all seem to love and accept me…Already I see how I can be better as a woman – to really start loving and uplifting other women in my life. Already I see the woman I want to become – more love.

9/15/2018 – …My desire/denials: Morality (Queen of Clouds/Mind) Break through the cage of conditioning to reach the truth of my own heart. To see life as it really is. Awareness as the root of morality. …Do not look outward for what it real – look within. Drop my opinionated mind and move inside. Relax in the deepest truth. Doubt is a blessing.

2/21/2019 – …I am to let all of the past and future worries fall away. Observe what is happening now and what the universe is doing…accept the place I have put myself in (leaving CA, new job with police, all of it) and become one with myself – not lonely – but I am enough – just like this…I am simply the reflection in a pool of consciousness…Finally, the child emerges innocent and spontaneous and true to his own being. A time of growth and change.

5/6/2019 – …about my weight and health and immediately I see the long uphill journey of the mountain. The top is obscured from my view. I cannot see the top or where it is. I looks like such a long way and I feel I can’t do it. It’s too high, too hard, too far – there is no way I can do this. I see I am alone, only I can go on this uphill journey and no one will give me a ride or a short cut because there are none. But, isn’t the view always worth the hike? I don’t know but at the top is the sun and it’s brighter at the top than it is at the bottom…I see myself healthy. I see a thinner happier Michelle – I want that me…It’s not a race, I don’t have to hurry, I just have to take a step every day and not turn around.

7/27/2019 – I see and know inside me this spiritual awakening is calling me, a great force…transporting me to myself…taking responsibility for who I am and to live my truth.

(There is a gap when I started my new promotion at the department and then in January of 2020 started a 21 day mediation on manifesting and abundance. This is also where I reconnected with my health coach and old friend).

2/15/2020 – Meditative thoughts from the book, “Women Who Run With the Wolves”. I am of extravagant body – made round like the earth herself. My body is a vessel made to carry so much…To live preoccupied by my appearance in this way – scales, measures, counting, consumed with thoughts of food, my wild nature would never advocated for the torture of my body…take back my body – change my attitude towards myself and celebrate the joy of my natural body. Don’t wait, don’t hold back, take back my real life.

2/19/20 – I signed up to start a weight loss journey program with my coach Jessica and I am nervous…I hope that by journaling I can get to the root of my obsession and addiction to food so I can no longer be enslaved by food but restore my body as a spiritual temple and place to commune with God and nature…Can I see quality time with others as not about eating?

3/24/20 – It’s been almost a month that I have been on my plan and I have to say I feel good.  – Where do I see myself in a year, five years? A year from now I will still be doing great on the plan, now helping people at the same time. I plan to be blogging and working on my personal spiritual journey…Within 5 years I see myself hosting and preparing retreats in Arizona/Sedona area for women with health and self-care at the core.

4/23/20 – 18.6 pounds down today! “I patiently allow my body to heal and transform with ease”. I need to remember that I took decades to bring my body to this unhealthy state. I cannot expect that in a few weeks I will completely fix it: both physically and mentally. I am transforming the way I eat; the way I cope; how I feel about food; its purpose in my life. That takes time…I start my day with yoga and journaling…all of it sets me in the mindset that today is a gift.

5/12/20 – Down 23.6 pounds! …I feel I need to focus on tuning out my own negative thoughts about myself. While I have made progress and steps, this is something I battle with even this morning in yoga, and when I step on the scale. I need to be kind and so proud of the progress I’ve made since March 1st on this journey! 3 months into healing from so much misuse of my God given body and life. This is exactly what I would tell my past self, besides start now, the first thing I had to do was to love myself enough to care about what happens to me. I loved others but not myself. Spiritually – it took me a long time to accept myself as I am – then I started to love myself as I am – then I cared enough about myself to care for me/my body. So, I would tell younger Michelle to look inside for love and acceptance from myself first.

7/3/20 – What year, decade is this? Time is a blur…everything feels so out of control – except me – I feel on track with my weight loss/health journey. I am doing yoga every day and I love it! I need it. I cannot imagine a day without yoga (Yoga with Adrienne) now. Only ounces away from my goal…So much to be grateful and thankful for…Loving myself is enough…

Consider this my sticky note on your computer stand:

Back in the Blerg-Blog Saddle

MichelleR

Bored with “Oak Island” I started scanning through Pinterest and was struck with the idea: I have hundreds of Pins just sitting here, mocking me, why not actually try something besides a new cocktail recipe? And while I love a great new cocktail I would also like to, “Get fit in 2 weeks”, “Rock that smokey eye”, and “Try 3 things each night to raise your vibration”. My second thought was that this is something I would definitely share, and should share, on video. So, lucky for you dear reader, you are invited on this journey to watch me make a fool of myself, to see before and after photos, and hopefully have a good laugh at my expense.

Each week I will try a new Pinterest pin from my billions of boards (follow me here: https://www.pinterest.com/mrsraskey/ ) and share my experiences, videos and pictures with you! This year I will turn 49! WOW that’s almost – 50! And I am excited about it! It’s a fun time in my life, I am still working on myself. My oldest daughter is getting married this year, I am in a new state, a new job and coming to terms with the new me. I’m learning, growing, changing and maybe one of these Pins will launch a deeper discovery of myself – or maybe I will nail contouring – at the very least I will give myself, and my reader/viewer, a good laugh.

We start next Friday – one week from today. I am really excited about it! You can find the blogs and vlogs under the “Pin-Ing” category. I hope you’ll tune in each week and feel free to leave a “Sugest-Pin” in the comment section and I’ll see if I can add it to the calendar. Now, I’m going to make a new cocktail and toast to an amazing 2020!

A Princess Bride

MichelleR
June 22, 2008

I love watching the Princess Bride. Growing up it was a family favorite. I can quote lines with the best of them and still giggle when I think of my favorite:

” You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “

But that movie also left me with a longing for a love like Buttercup’s. I longed for Wesley’s “As you wish”. Long story short, my first take at love left me far from that perfect farm boy and lying tortured on a rack. But this is a happy blog right? Yes, but to quote Wesley again, “life is pain”. So for a brief paragraph I will open my closet door and let you see the messy back corner:

I am lying on my bedroom floor in the fetal position. I am sobbing so hard no sounds are coming out. There is snot running out my nose, saliva strings dripping and for some reason I cannot close my mouth. I cannot take a breath or see. I weigh a thousand pounds and nothing at the same time. I have one million thoughts and not one of them is clear. All I manage is moans and I wish I was dead because I want it to stop so bad. I remember thinking, “Is this it? Is this all the love I will ever know?” I am pressed against the bottom. Rock bottom.

I cannot tell you how long it took me to climb out. The journey is different for everyone. I know I didn’t do it alone. My family, friends, therapist and special “healers” all grabbed my hands, pulled, pushed, prodded and yanked me step by slow step. There were good times and slips. There were parts of my mind that healed faster than others. There was joy and laughter in the journey, followed by tears. To this day I still have certain trigger words and actions that can fling me fast back to the dark. But it happens less and less. Even writing about it just now brought hot tears to my eyes. It’s been a journey. A beautiful, painful dance; but, that really is just life isn’t it?

Then I met Wesley. (Well his name is Frank but for the sake of a cohesive story…)

I didn’t need to be rescued. I realize I never had. And Frank didn’t want to rescue me. He didn’t try to prove himself. He just asked to be in my life and stand by me. For a year I needed to work on myself and my degree and my job and being a single mom. He let me be. But he was always there. He was my friend. He already loved me just as I was. Accepted me for what I could give and when I could give it. He is a patient soul. He is kind. He is funny. And one day I just realized, I am madly in love with this man. We’ve been together ever since.

Exactly 11 years ago tomorrow, at sunset, we will celebrate our promises to each other in Sedona. Until him I didn’t know that I could love this much. I didn’t know I could accept being loved so much. It is a love that makes me feel safe, a partnership in which I am valued, a friendship in which I am heard. It is the daily gift of being challenged with, ‘what else can you accomplish and how can I support you?’ He says “As you wish” with every touch of his hand on my back, the goodnight kisses without fail, and the refilling of my glass – in every way possible. What a treasure. And as much as I hate it, I would have never unburied any of it without that pit.

I think of that girl lying on the floor and my heart breaks for her. I want to rush to her in a time machine and hold her tight and tell her, “Oh girl, you just hold on because what is waiting for you is beyond your wildest dreams. Better than Buttercup and Wesley. And wipe your nose, you’re really gross right now.”

I’ve changed my mind. My favorite quote from “The Princess Bride” is:

“Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.” 
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Preserves

MichelleR

My mom loved to can. In the summer we would drive to the farms near the delta to buy flats of tomatoes, cucumbers, peppers, and all manner of fruit. I would watch as she transformed the kitchen into a factory filled with steam from the boiling water and the smells of cinnamon, dill and vinegar. She was amazing. Quart jar after quart jar would color our garage pantry shelf. Red, greens, oranges, yellows and deep purple for our family favorite: prune butter. By the end of the summer our shelves were filled and it was a source of pride for her survey her efforts reflected back in the glass of those beautiful jars.

My mom was a nurse. She went back to school to finish her nursing degree when my youngest brother went to to Kindergarten. I was around 12 and her determination to fulfill her dreams was my first glimpse at feminism; how a woman can have family and career and rock them both. She was so smart and my whole family wanted her help. There isn’t a person I can think of who did not call my mom at some point to ask about a rash or a pain or the color of baby poop to see what it all meant. And she loved it. She loved helping and healing people. She revealed to me an inner strength that I would not see or know I would need until years later. Picking up the pieces of my life after my divorce I frequently repeated the mantra, “My mom did this; so can I”. And I did. And I know the roots any success I have lead back to my mom.

My mom was a singer. She loved to sing. She sang in chorus in high school. She sang in church choirs, at masonic functions, weddings and parties. She closed her eyes while she sang and you could hear in her voice the smile spread across her lips. She made a song for each of my girls when they were born. She sang them that song so often that even when I sing it now she will join me, though she cannot form complex sentences. Her favorite songs were for the Lord and her conviction and faith were as vibrant as her notes. I believe she was closest to God during those choruses of Halellujah.

My mom was a seamstress. In almost every photo I have of me as a little girl I am wearing a dress my mother made me right up until Jr. High when I started to feel the peer pressure of labels. She made me beautiful formal gowns for Rainbow girls. She made my dad silk shirts and Pendleton coats. She made all of us (dad, her, me and my two brothers) matching turtle tank tops that we wore on vacation to the Grand Canyon.We proudly posed for a family photo in them. She made my daughters dress after dress for them and their dollies. She could sew anything. She sewed because we didn’t have money and it was cheaper to make clothes back then, but I know that when someone complimented our outfits she was proud to say,”Oh, I made that.”

My mom began to die about 10 years ago. At first everyone thought she was just tired or stressed. Her words were mixed up frequently and sometimes she would be right in the middle of a sentence and look at you with blank eyes and say, “I have no idea what I am going to say”. A year later she was forgetting dates and times, forgetting to pick up her grandchildren for babysitting. Forgetting to set the car in park. She was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimers. All the books I read made me so angry. Nothing was good. There was no cure. There is no treatment besides mild prolongation. It has been what I call, ‘A 10-year Funeral’ and every few years I breakdown completely as my dad and our family mourn another piece robbed by this hellborn disease. I hate what I know will come. I hate how she knows what is happening to her still. I hate that she was robbed of her words and her songs. I hate being helpless to do anything. I hate that each Mother’s Day I can’t help but reflect back to who my mother was.

My mother is a nurse, a singer, a chef and wife. She is a healer, counselor, friend and partner. She is a Nana, a seamstress, a PTA president, a carpool driver, a water-skier, a bologna sandwich roll-up maker and a prayer warrior. I won’t forget that. I won’t let anyone forget that. Just like her famous tomato sauce and apricot jam. I promise you that mom. I promise you that.

One Year

MichelleR

A year ago this weekend I was finishing up the Young Playwrights Competition at RTAA as Franky and my family finished packing up our house and loading the moving van. I spent the evening being surprised out of my mind at the outpouring of love and well wishes and to this day I wear the watch the board gifted me with every single day. There is part of me that will always remain there as a spirit on that stage that was my home for over 25 years. I have spent a lot of time reflecting this past year and here are some nuggets. This is more of a journal entry so most of it will not make sense to anyone but me. But, feel free to try.

  1. Women are essential: This is a picture of Katie’B. Katie’B was my cubicle mate at Childsplay and acted as my trainer on Patron Manager and a host of other duties. For the past 7 years I had spent almost every single day with my partner, Jennifer, who knew my every nuance and could read me better than I could read myself. I took her for granted and I wish I could go back and spend more time with her outside of work. Katie’B represents the new women I have met since moving here; Arizona is filled with amazing women too! Women who cheer for each other and accept me into their circle without hesitation. I could name so many but if I left even one out I would be remiss. From Childsplay to the City of Peoria to my family living here I have finally been able to take stock in how much other women impact me. I regret being so busy for so long that I missed the opportunity to know the amazing women I left in California. And to my California family and friends who have continued to be a part of my new journey please know I love and value you. I wish we were closer and could be together more. I hate that it took me moving away to know your impact.

2. Having the right partner is paramount: To quote Sinead “Nothing compares to you.” (And you have to sing it to get the full effect) How can I ever feel homesick when home is a person? Home is feeling his support and love. Home is encouragement to pursue whatever my dreams are – including Marie Kondo, bullet journaling, needing an entire room of scrapbooking supplies, traveling, acting – you name it – this man has never discouraged me. Everywhere with him feels like home. When I ask him, “Did we do the right thing?” – and yes, I have asked that, he just grins and says, “well we can’t go back now.” That is how he lives his whole life – he doesn’t wander though the past and ask what if’s. He regrets nothing because it put him exactly where he is today. He lives each day as if it were a new chance, a new start. He doesn’t carry expectations for tomorrow or pull out old scars from the past – and he is teaching me. I love this man with every fiber of my being and I pray that my daughters find a partner like him one day to sit shot-gun with in the great moving van of life. 10-4 Good buddy, come on.

3. Time zones are stupid: I love that I never have to set my clock forward or back. Neener-Neener.

4. Sometimes a theatre goes dark: This one is a difficult subject for me. Someday I may choose to make it public why my personal “theatre” went dark, but not yet. Let’s just say I needed to check my premise (there is only one person who will get that reference). What is beautiful is that it has clarified for me why I love theatre, what I am passionate about, and what my purpose is. To that end – let’s leave it as my “ghost light” is still on.

5. Even a cactus holds beauty: I LOVE the desert. I just love it. Right now the blossoms are getting ready to bud. I feel just like them. Something is getting ready to bloom. I feel it; I will it. I don’t accept a different result. This year has not at all been what I planned or how I planned it. But at the same time I feel like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

“This was reality, she thought, this sense of clear outlines, of purpose, of lightness, of hope. This was the way she had expected to live – she wanted to spend no hour and take no action that would mean less than this.”

The Path is The Path

MichelleR

Today I almost didn’t. I had the day off and as I drank my coffee I thought of the million little things I needed to get done. I need to finish Marie Kondo-ing my books/papers. I need to wash my car. I need to do meal prep for the week. The list is endless, just like yours. But recently it hit me that we will be in Arizona one year at the end of March. And I haven’t done the one thing that pulled my heart to this state to begin with. I want to be in it’s beautiful desert. And yes, we live in a desert state but seriously, the Phoenix valley is developed. I mean get IN it. Why haven’t I done the one thing my heart really wants to do?

I simply find the path of least resistance easier, like many of us do, and I chose to do what is easy rather than what is new or maybe appears harder. This is why I battle with weight, this is why I don’t blog or write every single day, this is why I cannot for the life of me seem to finish knitting my sister-in-laws scarf I wanted to give her two Christmas’ ago! I’m just gonna say it: I’m lazy and most days I choose to just “blerg” my way through. But not today.

Today I just got up and went. I got my water and left a detailed description of my clothes with Frank (in case someone has to identify my remains after the coyote attack) and I got in my car and drove the 5 minutes to the most beautiful desert trail, the Thunderbird Conservation Park. I felt like a dork because I am not an experienced hiker at all. So I had a back pack full of water and granola bars in case I got my hand stuck between two rocks like that guy from 147 Hours. I realized it was a little overkill when a couple in their 70’s asked to pass me because I was too slow. But my point is that I got on the path.

The view was glorious and the air was fresh and cool. The sun warmed my soul and my shoulders and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. “What took you so long?” my heart asked me. “I was just stuck,” I said. I was so excited I climbed up the Ridgeline path because I wanted to be able to see how far I could go before a heart attack occurred. As I climbed, my mind raced with ideas, both for writing and for returning. Now that I had disrupted my inertia could I come back every week? How long will it take me to train so I can hike around the whole preserve?

This is what I do though, I jump from one thought to the next. So, as I reached the ridgeline, I stopped and I took out one of my water bottles and sat. I looked at the view and thought of nothing. I just let my mind rest. And my heart rate slowed and my eyes focused on the small rocks and shrubs at my feet and I saw a lizard and an orange butterfly (that may have been a moth). And I thought of the work that I moved here to accomplish for myself. After a while I made a stone stack overlooking where the paths split below. I’m trying hard to let go of my need to know which path is right or where I should be. Whichever path I take is correct because I am on it and there is so much beauty to see.

Give Me Some of that Marie Kondo Kool-aid, Please.

MichelleR

Step 1: The Challenge

In my continuing quest to better myself and really enjoy my life, I wanted to actually try one of the things I read about. I have a Pinterest type habit of seeing or hearing something I think would be fantastic for me and then “pinning” it to a board in the back of my mind to be lost forever.

I watched the Marie Kondo program on cable a few times and was intrigued by her absolute confidence that you would never go back to old un-tidy habits. I raised my brows as she had clients talk to their clothing. I marveled at how much “stuff” people owned, and how much they could part with. And, part with it happily. So I decided on my latest trip to our fantastic city library to check out her book. And I read it. I found myself agreeing with her; the logic behind her reasoning was making sense. I wanted to try it for myself.

Step 2: Diving in

I announced this plan to Franky who basically rolled his eyes and smiled. But I will prove to him that this was not my knitting, dieting, baking, gardening, exercising, painting, or daily blogging type of commitment. I am serious about this. I want to be happy with less and by God I am going to do it so I can find joy in my damn tidy house!

This is where you come in, my tens of fans. I need the accountability of knowing that someone will follow up. What better way than for me to blog through my steps and show my progress. Plus I really want to follow through on something I start for once. I will not just “pin” this!

This absurd pile is ‘step one’ in the Marie Kondo method: clothes. I love her requirement that you do not clean room by room but by category. I was to take all my clothes from all 3 closets, my dresser, side table and floor and put them in a big pile. She divided them into sub-categories for people with off the chain issues and that is me for sure. This pile is just tops.

Step 3: Don’t sink

At first I just stared at the mountain of clothes (tops ) in front of me, embarrassed by how much I had. Even more ridiculous is that there are sweaters decades old, threadbare and torn shirts, and jackets that look horrible on me. I don’t even wear more than half of this. Yet, I let it accumulate and shove in whatever is new. Enough!

I did exactly what Marie suggested: I held up each top and waiting to see if it made me feel joyful. If it did, I kept it, regardless of size (which is important and I will get to that later) or age. If it didn’t, if I felt it’s usefulness was over, even if it was relatively new, I put it in a bag. At the end of the pile I had five Glad bags full of top. And it felt good to let the clothes go. I kept going. Bottoms, suits/hang-up item like dresses, socks, underwear, bras, swimsuits, even hats, gloves, scarves and belts. It didn’t stop there either. I was so excited and actually felt lighter and lighter as I let things go. I then hit those things sacred to women everywhere:purses and shoes. And even then I was fine. The safety net is that if you really love something you will keep it. So there is nothing to worry about. You will keep everything you love and makes you happy. Even if it doesn’t fit and is faded and worn. If it brings you joy, it belongs with you.

So many of my past attempts at purging were unsuccessful because I would reason that I may loose weight so I’ll keep it. Or the worst idea, if you haven’t worn it in a year throw it out. Those methods didn’t work for me. Kondo’s method did. At the end of the clothing purge I had nine full Glad bags of items to donate. And more closet and drawer space than I ever imagined. One closet will be plenty for me. With at least 1/3 of my unwanted, non-joy-giving, clothes gone for good I am ready for the next steps.

The results of just purging my tops. Five Glad bags filled.

Results: Still Swimming

I can’t say I am anywhere near finished yet. In fact, in her book, Kondo suggests that to fully “tidy-up” you home may take six months to a year. After clothing comes books. And boy will that be a big process. But I am excited and motivated to keep going. I folded all my clothes in the particular way she suggests and put them neatly in the drawers. Now I just have to hang my clothes back up. But I already feel less cluttered, lighter and more organized. I love being able to see every piece I own and that I love each of the pieces I see.

Care to join me?!

Alright, who’s in? I know my daughter Morgan started this even before me and she loves her newly organized closet. I know my friend David in NYC started and was thrilled with getting some space opened up in his dressers. I’d love to hear if you have tried any of Marie Kondo’s suggestions and what tips you might have! Leave me a comment and let me know. I will be posting my progress here as I go along and any other fun tips I get!

Kaleidoscope

MichelleR

So, remember that part where I spent about 25 years of my life in community theatre in some form or another? And then, like, Frank and I decided it was time to move to like Arizona or something, and then I like got this other theatre job and like I was all like, ‘I only know theatre and can only work in theatre’? So apparently it turns out I was ready for a bigger change than just moving states.

This week I started my new career at the Peoria Police Department as a Communications Specialist. Yes, I said all those words and they are true. I have turned a corner, well more to the case, I have crossed a bridge, to a new adventure. And as the majority of my friends are also from the theatre world this probably comes as sort of a shock. Maybe not. I don’t know. But let’s assume you are confused, concerned, and possible cranky. (I needed that final alliteration or I would go bonkers.)

I used to think that once you decided to work in theatre you never leave. You grow old there, on that stage or in that lobby, and that your molecules become interchangeable with the molecules in the theatre and you just slowly become a part of the fixtures, lighting and props. And to some extent I think there is truth to the idea that at times the line between your “life” and your passion starts to erase and you are okay with that. The all consuming creating fire you feel is exhilarating and I will not deny that. People admire your dedication, you feel justified in your devotion and for more than two decades I cannot deny that theatre was my purpose. But what if…

Ah, the “what if”! That is the question that started in the back of my mind a short while back. That is the thought that sprouted! What if I have more? What if I am, not greater than – but in addition to, this beautiful beast of a life?! The journey had already started once that question found me. You are apprised of my path already that lead to this blog – but the question now is: You work where?!

First off, I remain steadfastly devoted to my life’s epitaph I came up with over a decade ago. “I never feel like my more authentic self, than when I am on stage pretending to be someone else.” I enjoy occupying the space of other characters and for a moment being an additional self. (Aside:  I have always believed that a small part of myself informs the characters I play so I prefer the term additional to other. ) Didn’t Shakespeare say that all the world is a stage and we but poor players strutting and fretting? (He also said we are idiots in the next line.) But, to my point! Maybe I am more than the one role I had always seen myself in? 

Think of looking into kaleidoscope and as you turn the end the image you see changes and falls into the next one and the next one. Each one beautiful and different and ultimately all a part of a kaleidescope’s entire purpose. That is how I feel about my life. I kept feeling frustrated that the image was changing and falling but when I finally let it, it fell into another image. Equally beautiful and important, just different. 

Look, circumstances put me into a position that forced me to examine the fervor with which I was holding onto the definition of myself. When I finally let go of what I told myself was my purpose and the only thing I was good at I was able to see there was still so many more images of me to see. I am truly excited about this new journey. I am even more excited that I am not by any means in the “swan song” of my performance.

Yes, I will keep attempting to write Children’s Shows and yes, I will go back to stage when I am ready. But for now, I am really enjoying figuring out my current character and what inspires her. Turns out, she’s a real conundrum. 😉

Disclaimer

This blogger acknowledges that she knows little to nothing of Arizona, its people or its history. She is however, excited to learn as much as she can. This blog is just her “notes from the journey” on making an epic life changing move. If I get something wrong, meh – get used to it. Blerg.