Over 1,000

1,095 to be exact. We’ve lived in Arizona now for over a thousand days and most of them great. Today marks the three year anniversary of loading up a Penske truck and driving our lives into the desert. Here are some of my favorite things about living here:

  • The people I have met. I am so grateful for the friendships so quickly cultivated here. They are already deeply rooted and treasured, like they were just waiting for me to arrive.
  • The cactus. I can name more kinds now than I ever knew existed and they are each indescribably beautiful in their own ways.
  • Sedona. It is my happy place, the place my spirit longs for, the minute I see those red rocks I feel my heart settle into a complimentary rhythm.
  • My dog Mango that I was finally able to get when we moved.
  • Tempe Town Lake and the plethera of things to do there.
  • The Phoenix Zoo and Papago Park.
  • World Wildlife Park and having dinner at Dillon’s with sharks.
  • The Herberger Theatre, for a multitude of reasons.
  • Driving to Ahwatukee to have Nikki do my hair.
  • P83 with the Ball Park and restaurants for days.
  • The proximity with which we are now available to both sets of parents and our aunt.
  • Having friends and family visit and exploring together.
  • Downtown Scottsdale.
  • The White Tanks and it’s trails.
  • The view of South Mountain on a clear day.
  • The view of the sun setting almost any day of the year.
  • Luke Air Force Base and the fighter jets that fly over regularly.
  • Our booth at the Brass Armadillo.
  • Creating a space for me to work on my spiritual journey complete with rattle, drum and sage.

While moving here was completely the right thing to do there are some things I miss still:

  • The smell of the theatre as I walk in the back door.
  • Seeing Jennifer every morning and sharing every detail of our lives together.
  • Messing with Colton and wondering where our bucket is and why he won’t try harder.
  • Hearing Jesse and Caleb’s laugh from the audience.
  • Mike Mechanick’s smile.
  • Yelling Tony’s name at the top of my lungs, for no reason at all.
  • Being able to see Laurie for our lunches and dinners.
  • Drunk Sundays with the worlds best neighbors.
  • Family dinners at Tom and Lori’s.
  • An only two and half hour drive to see Alex and Cory.
  • Driving to San Francisco just to have dinner and come back.
  • Being able to go to Napa, Sonoma and Calistoga for a day or a whole weekend to restock the wine frig.
  • New Year’s Eve parties and cast parties and birthday parties and every kind of party.
  • Writing or directing a show and seeing it come to life.
  • All my theatre kids.
  • Our volunteers who were more like family.
  • Being a short drive from everyplace I’ve gone to school or lived.
  • Knowing my favorite grocery stores and their layouts.

Now all this is not to say that I have traded one thing for the other. I don’t feel that way at all. I feel that there are times when our lives are outwardly, visibly in motion. Where we are seen and our impact is felt by many on a large scale. And then as the Wheel of Life portends, there are times when we retreat into a dormant, restorative phase. A phase of healing, incubation and ripening. I am blissfully a part of the later, but only for a time. I feel my phoenix rising and rebirth already begun. The desert is a beautiful place to be transformed.

A Princess Bride

June 22, 2008

I love watching the Princess Bride. Growing up it was a family favorite. I can quote lines with the best of them and still giggle when I think of my favorite:

” You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “

But that movie also left me with a longing for a love like Buttercup’s. I longed for Wesley’s “As you wish”. Long story short, my first take at love left me far from that perfect farm boy and lying tortured on a rack. But this is a happy blog right? Yes, but to quote Wesley again, “life is pain”. So for a brief paragraph I will open my closet door and let you see the messy back corner:

I am lying on my bedroom floor in the fetal position. I am sobbing so hard no sounds are coming out. There is snot running out my nose, saliva strings dripping and for some reason I cannot close my mouth. I cannot take a breath or see. I weigh a thousand pounds and nothing at the same time. I have one million thoughts and not one of them is clear. All I manage is moans and I wish I was dead because I want it to stop so bad. I remember thinking, “Is this it? Is this all the love I will ever know?” I am pressed against the bottom. Rock bottom.

I cannot tell you how long it took me to climb out. The journey is different for everyone. I know I didn’t do it alone. My family, friends, therapist and special “healers” all grabbed my hands, pulled, pushed, prodded and yanked me step by slow step. There were good times and slips. There were parts of my mind that healed faster than others. There was joy and laughter in the journey, followed by tears. To this day I still have certain trigger words and actions that can fling me fast back to the dark. But it happens less and less. Even writing about it just now brought hot tears to my eyes. It’s been a journey. A beautiful, painful dance; but, that really is just life isn’t it?

Then I met Wesley. (Well his name is Frank but for the sake of a cohesive story…)

I didn’t need to be rescued. I realize I never had. And Frank didn’t want to rescue me. He didn’t try to prove himself. He just asked to be in my life and stand by me. For a year I needed to work on myself and my degree and my job and being a single mom. He let me be. But he was always there. He was my friend. He already loved me just as I was. Accepted me for what I could give and when I could give it. He is a patient soul. He is kind. He is funny. And one day I just realized, I am madly in love with this man. We’ve been together ever since.

Exactly 11 years ago tomorrow, at sunset, we will celebrate our promises to each other in Sedona. Until him I didn’t know that I could love this much. I didn’t know I could accept being loved so much. It is a love that makes me feel safe, a partnership in which I am valued, a friendship in which I am heard. It is the daily gift of being challenged with, ‘what else can you accomplish and how can I support you?’ He says “As you wish” with every touch of his hand on my back, the goodnight kisses without fail, and the refilling of my glass – in every way possible. What a treasure. And as much as I hate it, I would have never unburied any of it without that pit.

I think of that girl lying on the floor and my heart breaks for her. I want to rush to her in a time machine and hold her tight and tell her, “Oh girl, you just hold on because what is waiting for you is beyond your wildest dreams. Better than Buttercup and Wesley. And wipe your nose, you’re really gross right now.”

I’ve changed my mind. My favorite quote from “The Princess Bride” is:

“Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.” 
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride