I love watching the Princess Bride. Growing up it was a family favorite. I can quote lines with the best of them and still giggle when I think of my favorite:

” You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! “

But that movie also left me with a longing for a love like Buttercup’s. I longed for Wesley’s “As you wish”. Long story short, my first take at love left me far from that perfect farm boy and lying tortured on a rack. But this is a happy blog right? Yes, but to quote Wesley again, “life is pain”. So for a brief paragraph I will open my closet door and let you see the messy back corner:

I am lying on my bedroom floor in the fetal position. I am sobbing so hard no sounds are coming out. There is snot running out my nose, saliva strings dripping and for some reason I cannot close my mouth. I cannot take a breath or see. I weigh a thousand pounds and nothing at the same time. I have one million thoughts and not one of them is clear. All I manage is moans and I wish I was dead because I want it to stop so bad. I remember thinking, “Is this it? Is this all the love I will ever know?” I am pressed against the bottom. Rock bottom.

I cannot tell you how long it took me to climb out. The journey is different for everyone. I know I didn’t do it alone. My family, friends, therapist and special “healers” all grabbed my hands, pulled, pushed, prodded and yanked me step by slow step. There were good times and slips. There were parts of my mind that healed faster than others. There was joy and laughter in the journey, followed by tears. To this day I still have certain trigger words and actions that can fling me fast back to the dark. But it happens less and less. Even writing about it just now brought hot tears to my eyes. It’s been a journey. A beautiful, painful dance; but, that really is just life isn’t it?

Then I met Wesley. (Well his name is Frank but for the sake of a cohesive story…)

I didn’t need to be rescued. I realize I never had. And Frank didn’t want to rescue me. He didn’t try to prove himself. He just asked to be in my life and stand by me. For a year I needed to work on myself and my degree and my job and being a single mom. He let me be. But he was always there. He was my friend. He already loved me just as I was. Accepted me for what I could give and when I could give it. He is a patient soul. He is kind. He is funny. And one day I just realized, I am madly in love with this man. We’ve been together ever since.

Exactly 11 years ago tomorrow, at sunset, we will celebrate our promises to each other in Sedona. Until him I didn’t know that I could love this much. I didn’t know I could accept being loved so much. It is a love that makes me feel safe, a partnership in which I am valued, a friendship in which I am heard. It is the daily gift of being challenged with, ‘what else can you accomplish and how can I support you?’ He says “As you wish” with every touch of his hand on my back, the goodnight kisses without fail, and the refilling of my glass – in every way possible. What a treasure. And as much as I hate it, I would have never unburied any of it without that pit.

I think of that girl lying on the floor and my heart breaks for her. I want to rush to her in a time machine and hold her tight and tell her, “Oh girl, you just hold on because what is waiting for you is beyond your wildest dreams. Better than Buttercup and Wesley. And wipe your nose, you’re really gross right now.”

I’ve changed my mind. My favorite quote from “The Princess Bride” is:

“Do I love you? My God, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches.” 
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride