It’s not hard to get up early in Arizona, it seems the sun is always up.  With both our jobs requiring an early start time I find myself getting up about 5:30 am and ready to start my day. I’ve been trying very hard to go for walks in the morning. I notice I feel better when I do them. My head feels clearer, I notice the beauty around me like the cactus, the sky and hot air balloons,  the wild-life. In fact I saw a coyote on this morning’s walk.  (Hope he’s not hungry – or that could have been the reason he was following me, not sure…)

Regardless, I feel better when I get back from my walk. Mind you, I’m not a power-walker or under the false illusion that at some point I may break into a jog. I walk at a nice pace, I can talk on my walk (or yell at the coyotes to leave me alone) and I don’t have to bend over to breathe at the end. It’s just getting outside and being in nature, enjoying how beautiful everything around me is. I’m trying to “notice”. I want to be present and if I happen to get in a little cardio I am sure my doctor would say that was good.

Have you ever noticed how even if you really know that something is good for you, and even if you really want that change for your life it’s still almost impossible to do it. For example, I know how much better I feel when I cut wheat out of my diet. My head feels clearer. I’m less sluggish. And yet despite knowing that it makes me feel better and despite the clear understanding that I will continue to feel better if I don’t eat wheat, I see that piece of bread and my desire to eat it suddenly outweighs my desire to feel good. It’s ridiculous and horrifying at the same time. It’s like I care so little about myself that I would allow the momentary delight of a few taste buds defeat the overall wellness and good feeling of my whole body. All of which takes place in my mind. And I’ve struggled with this every day for years.

I’ve been listening to an audio book called, “12 Rules for Life” by Jordan B. Peterson. Audible recommended it to me. I don’t know how they know what books I’d like to listen to because they just met me, but the first two books were free so what the heck. I’m only on Rule 5 and the one rule that has really stuck with me is,

“Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to someone else today.”

For me, that rule is a game changer. In many ways it’s what my thought process has been about for decades. It’s not that I have ill-will or anger or even jealousy towards the people I compare myself to. It’s more of a disspointment I’ve felt with myself when I compare myself with others. I think, “Oh if you were more dedicated you could look as fit as her”, “If you had more will-power you could wear the clothes that she’s wearing”, “If you had spent more time reading books instead of watching TV you could be more successful”, and my personal favorite, “If you had just played the lottery yesterday, you could have won the 111 million dollars and buy the dream mansion”.  But, I think the point is that in order for me to really and truly find out who the very best “me” is I have to stop looking at others and ask myself who I was yesterday. Today, can I make one better choice than yesterday? Can I go for one more block on my walk? Can I eat the hard-boiled egg without the slab of bacon today? Can I wash my face before bed?  And to remember to forgive myself and love myself when the answer is “no, I was absolutely not a better today than I was yesterday.”

I think that counts for my behavior too. I think kindness is a behavior I need to practice more. It’s so easy to say, “Be Kind.” But kindness is about how I behave inside not just how I treat others. Anybody can fake being kind, I know, I’ve done it millions of times – like most people. “Have a nice day.” “You too!” But then there is the kindness that come from inside, my compassion. When I look at someone and think, “You don’t know what that person is going through. You don’t know what kind of illness they may be fighting, whether someone they are close to is passing away or ill. Whether or not they cry in bed at night, or their marriage is in shambles and they pretend it’s not. Yeah, there is a lot of thing you don’t know.” And so maybe instead of getting so annoyed with somebody because of their attitude maybe you just think to yourself, they must be really going through something right now. That’s compassion and I’d like to practice that more.

How did I get all this from going for a walk? Let’s loop back.

If I know the facts to be that A.) Getting up early is not hard. B.) When I do it I feel better. C.) When I’m in the walking in the quiet of the morning with no one in the neighborhood out yet I can have clear moments of processing, thinking and planning my day. I can maybe plan ways in which I can be a little bit better today than I was yesterday. That involves reflecting on yesterday. How did I behave yesterday? What did I do physically yesterday? What ways can today be better?

The author of the book also suggest that I treat myself as a younger version of myself. I reward myself for doing something good. To my horror this has worked. In the morning I bargain with myself and tell myself that if I go for a walk I can bring my iced coffee to work. Now, I know very well that I can bring iced coffee with me to work whether I do the walking or not. But the fact that I do not bring a coffee with me if I don’t go for a walk has set some sort of psychological message to my brain. I am waking up saying, “Get up and go for a walk, because you want to bring your iced coffee with you.” It’s weird I know and in a way I feel weird about myself for doing it. But on the other hand, it works.  I go for a walk. I want to be better today than I was yesterday.

I’n not healthy. I’m not in shape. I’m not doing it so I an be skinny or fit or prepared to roll myself into the sausage casing of a swimsuit I’ve got. But I walk because I think I need this time to reflect on the person I am. And I need it every single day.